Once Upon a time deep in the heart of parenthood; there lived a pair of Screwball Parents trying to raise the Children of the Corn. (Stephen King reference; just in case you didn’t get it) These children were to say the least… well; challenging. Challenging to not only their parents but also to themselves and to the whole of society. Geniuses they were; to say the least. The poor Screwball Parents struggled to maintain a sense of normalcy in the circus they called home. The Children of the Corn, you see, were completely unable to complete any simple task because of some letters after their name: ADD, ADHD, ASD, whatever it was at the time. So, simple tasks like getting dressed, getting on the school bus, doing homework, putting away clothes; those normal types of things were completely lost on these intricate beings. Getting anything done was very difficult. So, these parents had to be very creative!
Most of the days of childhood were spent attempting to keep their children in school and out of prison. This became a very long 10 years of post-traumatic stress disorder reactions every time the phone rang; and constantly chasing children around during the night. Apparently someone told the geniuses that they were to be respected and if they felt disrespected; the rules did not apply to them, or something like that. At least that’s how they took it and from that point forward; life was very busy keeping them out of prison. The goal of course was to harness all of that intelligence and use it for good instead of evil.
These parents of course suffered intense ridicule from other parents who felt that their creative ways of raising children were to extreme or too relaxed in other ways. The Screwball Parents let their son play with dolls and let their daughter play on the high school football team. They also didn’t beat their kids regularly which society considered the reason the beings did not behave per society’s standards. These Screwball Parents made it clear that in their opinion, society’s standards were bullshit. These parents decided to be creative and find alternatives to violence to raise their children. However, the children had to learn that law enforcement used violence. Example: while stealing at the mall, one of the children was face planted by a cop. Multiple other parents argued that they should sue the city or have the cop arrested himself or something stupid like that. The Screwball Parents disagreed. They felt that since the child was injured during the commission of a crime, well, that should be a good life lesson and their child would learn more if forced to suffer the consequences of both the bruises and the probation and community service for the crime. (After all; the rules do apply to everyone, even the ones with “challenges” or letters after their names, etc) 20 years later they still hear about the lack of concern for the child during that time. Whatever. Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.
(Im getting to the sheep…..hold on one second)
The Screwball Parents made every effort to educate their little darlings and teach the Children of the Corn that YES the rules do actually apply to everyone. The Screwball Parents used every bit of technology that they could master to keep tabs on their little darlings. But the Children of the Corn were true geniuses and were able to dismantle every security camera or device. They picked locks better than most locksmiths. They also hacked through every computer parental control system at home and school.
Of course, other parents and teachers did not believe this to be true and offered no help or advice. Until the Children of the Corn used their skills on them….. suddenly it was the Screwball Parents fault and needed to be dealt with immediately. When confronted with their latest evil deeds, the Children of the Corn would just smirk, and blame the victims for not having a better security system or firewall, etc.
So the Screwball Parents devised a plan to keep tabs on their evil offspring and still get some sleep and maintain employment.
The Screwball Parents created a MySpace page using their stuffed animals as a cover. The stuffed
animals, mostly sheep and lambs, quickly morphed into a stuffed animal biker gang that rode miniature Harleys and partied… A Lot. Each one had a distinct background and personality. There were photos of “the gang” aka “The Boys” sprawled out on bars and beaches, attending local festivals and sporting events, partying at their clubhouse, and riding Harleys everywhere.
The Children of the Corn didn’t recognize the lambs. But, in an effort to seem cool; they blindly accepted the friend request. This allowed the Screwball Parents to slither in and from being friends of friends of friends…..gather information and evidence quietly and incognito.
So…..how did they know there was a party? How did they find out that the children lied and weren’t really at the mall? Which kid smoked weed in the house and where did they get it? Many details were revealed on the web. The Screwball Parents magically appeared in all the right places and ruined many an evening. The children were convinced that the Screwball Parents were psychic. Of course, there were a few catastrophes but quite a few were avoided or at least minimized through all of this effort.
The lambs continued making their way across cyberspace. They posted photos of their gang; partying at Bike Week in Daytona, and riding their Harleys in the Black Hills.
They went from MySpace to Facebook and from 8th grade snooping to College dorms. They shared info about heartbreak and criminal activity until the Children of the Corn graduated and moved out on their own.
When the ruse was discovered it was quite comical. First there was disbelief, then shock. The youngest child (one of the evil twins) the manipulative one; known for the most intricate schemes and mischief; twitched her nose and sniffed; “Well, that explains a lot!” Then the youngest of the biker lambs, Seamus aka Shammy, stowed away in her luggage and traveled Europe with her. Now there are photos of the sheep biker gang that include France and Spain.
The Boys still travel with the Screwball Parents. They still go on adventures but have retired from stalking others…..at least until the grandchildren get a bit older.
Do we have advice for other parents? Only that even the smartest kid does stupid stuff. Kids will talk to anyone online. Safety first, snoop if you have to……